I Attract Lesbian Celebrities With My Lesbian Aura

Yes, It is I, The lesbian all celebrity lesbians want to meet. Or at least that is what i’m putting out into the universe right now. Because damn i’m actually manifesting it!

This is juicy. So sit back and stretch out with your coffee, or flavoured lemon water…i see you vegan, health guru lesbo, and i love you. Keep up your stereotypical lesbian lifestyle, it’s a good rep for the rest of us to have no matter how much we make fun of you.

So you know when you follow your favourite lesbian couple on youtube or Instagram, and you’re following them everyday, liking all their stuff, wishing you could be a third wheel to their relationship, or even their servant. Anything to see more of their life. Well this was I. And amidst complete stalker mode, ‘liking there Instagram and commenting and liking my own comment’ stalker mode,

I see a post from Holly – Tall, gorgeous model lesbo living in Ontario, Canada, Post a picture of a plane through the Toronto airport window, with caption, “Halifax Bound”. The Shit she’s coming to Halifax. I live in Halifax. What is she doing, where is she going, how long is she staying, were all questions on my Gemini mind.

….To be continued 😉

 

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How To Stop Being A Wimp

This winter semester is going to be different. It’s going to be different in the maturity and the bravery of my actions. I will act for the betterment of myself. Here’s how.

Post videos again. If music means a lot to you – – – Show People.

Join an exercise gym, routine, and post about it – – – What do you have to lose? If having a nice body is going to make you happy and confident, create it – – – Find your happiness again. STOP BEING A WIMP.

And biggest of all, show your emotion – – – YOU WIMP

Cry in front of people, if you care about a cause, post about it on Facebook. If there’s someone you love dearly, rave about them – – – Let it be known

If THERE’S SOMEONE YOU LOVE, communication with them. Tell them often. Be clear about your intentions with them. Make them feel all of the crazy emotions you have for them. You know, the thing you forgot to do in the past – – – YOU FUCKING WIMP

I thought i’d start writing about my thoughts instead of never sharing them with anyone. I realized i fucking feel emotions, a lot, and it’s okay to feel emotions, and share them with others. It’s actually something recommended. What a discovery that took me 21 years to figure out.

Enough with the self deprecating sarcasm. I’m happy i came to this self realization that i am bad with emotions, and that i’m mature enough to start fixing that and saying how i feel.

I’ve had too many failed relationships not to realize this. Now i’m at a tipping point. This last thing i had with a girl that ended because i wasn’t up front with my emotions and she got sick and tired of it, as she should have – This was the tipping point. I loved this girl. And i let love get away. I let my own stubbornness win again.

So this tower moment, shit storm, crying frenzy, The loss of love,

Is How To Stop Being A Wimp

At least for those as stubborn as me.

All the best out there with love and life,

xoxo Laura

I love you. There, I said it.

 

Katie aka “Katherine” Is coming back

It feels like the universe has been watching me struggle for the past 5 years of my life, in anticipation for this long-awaited day. Like somewhere inside me, there is a knowing, of a higher power, a divine plan, and my slow growing tree of a teenage life has brought ripe fruits in the love department of this 21 year old.

Katherine, the one, the person i fell so deep for i was burried in her thought for months, she is back…

She is back with a plan, a possible plan to change her city, find a job in my city, reach out to me only a week before she moves, and ask about my living situation.

[read: My Crush Came Out To Me As A Lesbian before continuing..]

Where is her girlfriend Chelsea, where is the girl she told me she will spend the rest of her life with, right before she got into her cab that weekend in Toronto? Was the connection we felt that weekend not only one sided? Have i not been making this up in my head the whole 12 months since we last saw eachother?

I think not. I think all of my wishes for a relationship are coming together. I think there is a connection between our souls that was heaven made, and i’ve never thought something could be heaven made, but feel my beating heart when i think of her, feel that tingle that spreads from the electric pulse of my heart through my chest and into my extremities. I feel the most powerful feeling a human can feel, the reason why a person comes into this world. Once you find it, you know. I feel love.

She’s here, she drove all the way from Newfoundland to Halifax today, a 20 hour trip, she’s moving into her furnished apartment that is conveniently 4 minutes away from my new place. She has no friends in this city. She just said ” It’s so crazy how our lives came together like this and we’re living in the same place”. Does she think this is destiny too?

I’ve been shopping, i need a nice outfit for when i first see her. I need my hair to be the right amount of silky and soft. I need my nails perfect and light pink (the only color i wear). My legs shaved. My house tidy. My car washed. My teeth white. This girl has got control of my mind. For the past few days it’s all i’ve been thinking of. I’m overwhelmed, and doubtful, and looking forward to the next four months, and wondering what will come after these four months.

Katherine is moving here for a work term, then she’s back to newfoundland. I’m here for a semester of engn, then i’m back to pei to finish school. What happens next. I’m nervous to look around the corner, ask the question, what are her motives. Is this my chance to make this relationship a reality? I don’t know, does she?

I’m sure since i’m constantly consumed by these thoughts, and Katherine is now in CLOSE proximity to me, that there will be regular updates on this story. The story that had been on pause (and i thought, well, over) for 12 months.

It’s now back on.

xxoo Coffeequeens

Laura

Another disastrous dating story…but this time i need your help.

Hey all you lovely humans that are extensions of my own brain…how are you doing this fine day? Well, me, not so good. I think i slipped and fell in love again…and instead of the person just not reciprocating, THIS TIME, we are unsure if she likes me back. This is where you come in to help me decide. Here we go with the embarrassing story again…

POF-Logo-300x291.pngShe messages me, after complimenting my dating profile, and we exchange photos on this app…Plenty of Fish, Have you heard of it? What a wonder it is. Okay, mental checklist, gotta see if this girl is 1) REAL, 2) Into me enough to have a relationship 3) I am into her enough to have a relationship.

She likes my pictures, she Is super pretty, and girly, and loves makeup and dressing in white and pink, the type of feminine i’m into. I look her up on Facebook, she’s real, and not that popularity matters that much, but damn that girl knows how to get hundreds of likes on a selfie.

We make plans! expect, *interesting*, instead of making me drive to her better-than-mine city (3 hrs away) like i was going to, she insists she will visit me, saying i’m worth the bridge toll and gas money. And this is to see me a week earlier than planned. Okay, going well so far right? 🙂

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WRONG. That day we scheduled for her to come, she told me which room she booked and which hotel i should meet her at. She let me know half way through the drive how far away she was. Like this was happening, no doubt in my mind.

 

Then, after she asks me “you staying the night? Will you bring drinks? Can’t wait to see you” I reply “Yes, i’ll stay the night. I’m so horny for you”…along with a sexual picture…ya know, foreplay.

It was 4:00pm that day, i’m supposed to meet her at 6:00 for drinks. And all of a sudden, my next message stays “unread” for 60 minutes…5:00 o’clock, i message again, still “unread”…god. Please don’t tell me. What is happening. No. Not me. Not now. Not Christmas.

cfd7b4ad8b70affde0ec686c2257a14f--stockings-heels-black-stockingsIs she ditching? I ask myself with my curly lustrous hair laying over my new white, flowy sweater which fits me loose like a dress, black high heals…yes also new (i hate myself too), and bronzer snatching my cheek bones, like damn i was READY!!

7:00 oclock…8:00 o’clock…9:00 oclock. Man i just spent the whole day by myself waiting for replys from this girl on Christmas Eve Eve, I could have been out with friends, but no my stupid ass is getting played.

11:00 oclock, enough is enough…i warm up my fingers and reply with a sly comment, not too insult, because i still would get with her any day of the year, but just to let her know how shitty she made my day “Why did you make me think you were coming to *my city* for me? I bought wine for you, offered to pay the bridge tole, i was nice to you. I gave you my time on Christmas. How can you do that to someone and think it’s fine, it doesn’t make sense to me”. SEND. 1:30am and im thinking this girl is some creepy man behind a computer screen that just had some fun with my sexy selfie and screwing my Christmas over.

THE NEXT DAY.

The girl says, verbatim “I’m so sorry i just got my phone back I was in an accident last night and went off the road. I will send pictures to prove.”. Though short, it did make sense. The roads were hella slippery that night, my sister saw an accident downtown (where this girl was staying supposedly).

Key notes: she snapped me on snapchat a picture of her self currently so she can’t be a fake man behind a screen.

She never sent me photos of the accident, but it has only been a few days. she may still be embarrassed that she drove all the way here and got into an accident. And may be recovering.

I really hope that she got into an accident because I want to meet up with her again and I can’t handle this being a rejection, and even though it seems as though, i believe it’s not. There were too many signs that she was into me, and that she was real, and by the sexual selfies she sent, that she wanted to go Bumper-to-Bumper with me. I haven’t had sex in months, and am alone for Christmas. This is the only thing I was looking forward to over the holidays.

Told you. Embarrassing, sad story that you probably got a kick out of. But these are my real feelings so be gentle with them. Give me your honest opinion, and also ask questions if i didn’t make myself clear at any point.

God bless you. Thanks for being loyal…unlike someone.

sincerely, coffeequeen.

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Can we be honest?

Who would pay me for juicy lesbian stories? What if i quite my job and pursued woman and blogging 24/7 with a lively ambition behind it, and the stories were to die for. What if i made a self-help book for tragically desperate lesbians? Would you guys/girls read it? Let me know. I may take the leap…

I lost my Lesbian virginity to a Lawyer

Yes, this will be a juicy story. May the record reflect…

How do you meet a sexy single lesbian lawyer you ask? Well, for one, you have to have impeccable looks…lol, not. This was a weekend where I was running out of clean clothes from my two week-long Toronto summer trip, and the clothes I did have were cardigans, flats, dress pants… I think I looked like a 26 year old prude who only gets off on her expensive wardrobe. ANYWAYS, It all started at an all-women film festival. Very lesbian right? I had not had a break finding a true lesbian up until this point, and it being my last night in Toronto, i was willing to attend a film festival without knowing a single thing about making films. When I walked into a room full of 100 women and 4 men, there was a cute speaker at the front telling witty jokes to the audience. “Made by Kelsey Sanderson” the first film title said – reminding everyone that it was not a man but a WOMAN who wrote, directed and starred in the film. It was lesbian themed with soft voices, kissing scenes, sensual touching. If there were women in this room that were closeted, i’m sure their cheeks were flushed and they had quite the wet poon.

Okay, so no, there was no Lesbian lawyer at this film festival, and i’m sorry, i don’t think you will ever find one close to an arts event. (They don’t have time).

From the lack of seating in the room, I was standing, in my beige cardigan and dirty blonde hair, under a spot light at the back of the theatre. I was making eye contact with the girl with the microphone standing at the front the whole time. It was like she was eager to ask me a question or recognized my face somewhere. I felt some chemistry between us, so after the film I walked my touche up to the front of the room and started a conversation with this girl leading the event. I don’t know where i got the balls (or lady parts) to be honest. I completely interrupted her conversation with her friends, and introduced myself and told my story. University student, alone in the city, nothing to do on my last night there, basically begging strangers to invite me to hangout with them.

The girl leading the event, I soon find out named Amanda, was saying she was looking and smiling at me the whole time because she thought I was the main actor in the film we just watched. The girl she was such a huge fan of. “You look exactly like her!” she said to my surprise. I was shocked, and flattered. What a nice compliment, the girl in the movie was tall and had symmetrical features. Me, however, am just tall enough to ride roller coasters, and have had trouble shaping my eye brows my whole life. (Sisters, not twins)

Amanda had short, silky black hair, shaping her pretty face. Very good fashion sense as well. We stepped out of the theatre and after talking for a bit, i asked if she knew of anything going on that night, as it was my last night I wanted to leave Toronto with a BANG, before I go back to my deadbeat town on the east coast of Canada…yuck. “Do you guys know of any parties?” Amanda replies “Hey, I’m having a get together at my place tonight, Here’s my number ********”

I have this girls number, she is so cool, so confident, super sexy, super my type. “I’ll be there at 7!” I said. Reflecting back on this act of bravery of mine, i realized how well it went over, and how bad it could have gone. Wow. Thank god for my irrational thinking, and spout of confidence back there. Otherwise I would have bought some ice-cream and been a lonely Mcgee in my AirB&B. Lol, it rhymes.

That afternoon I drank a venti coffee from Starbucks, changed my cardigan to a more outgoing, laid-back cardigan (lol), and tried to act all cool when I sent my first text to Amanda. I soon find out, to my surprise, that Amanda works for an animation group in Toronto for a Y-TV kids show. In other words, she’s famous and makes BANK.

My whole life i’ve always let girls I like slip through my fingers without having the slightest notion that I am gay, and very into them. In Amanda’s case, i was ’10/10,  get the UHaul, I’m moving in with you’ into her. How can I make my intentions clear, come on Laura, think. I text Amanda “I just broke up with my girlfriend three days ago so this trip isn’t going the greatest so far, but i’m excited for tonight” There. She knows i’m gay, and hopefully knows that i’m tragically into her. She replies, “come to my place tonight at 7, i’m having people over!”. Gives me her address, tells me a time. I’m in, I am so in. Did this turn into the best day of my faqin life?

I headed on the bus to Amanda’s place. Apartment complex 50, at the top of the hill in High Park…This place had waterfalls and statues in the front courtyard. The doors open to marble floors and a front desk agent. DAMN. I’ve never experienced so much luxury. This girl is the real deal.

I head up to apartment 25, knock on the door, Amanda answers in a red top, and that lovely, welcoming, straight-tooth smile of hers. “You made it! Hey guys this is my friend Laura! She’s and Engineer” I walk in to this spacious, yellow-marble floor and modern steel kitchen. She was making martini’s for everyone.

Amanda sits down beside me, we are laughing, and looking at the characters she had created for the TV show. And next something disappointing, and amazing happens.

In walks a tall, slim girl, very talkative, and energetic, with her boobs almost hanging out of her dress, which no one was mad about. “AMANDA, HI!” She enthusiastically reaches for  Amanda and gives her a huge hug. This is Amanda’s animation friend? Oh, they must have history. If Amanda’s gay she would be going nuts over this girl that just walked in. And she was, she was blushing like Lacey from The L Word when she first saw Shane. I was so confused, I hope they aren’t in a relationship and i’m just going to awkwardly be flirting with Amanda all night. But no, it was way better, way more juicy then what I imagined was happening at that moment.

Amanda introduces me to this stunning, elegant, tasteful woman, who knows how to show off her goods. “Laura, this is Liz” I say hi and we talk for the next few minutes. She compliments my outfit, and changes seats with Amanda. By this point I could tell Liz’s focus was on me, and not Amanda. Girl, you better not be Amanda’s girlfriend because this is too much for me to take.

We all go around in a circle playing Truth or Dare. Okay, everyone has to describe when you lost your virginity! Liz says it was to this girl at law school on the east coast. Okay, check, Lis is gay, In Law school, and from the east coast, we are similar, talking points talking points. Amanda goes next, surprisingly saying, well it was with this guy from junior high. Did you turn lesbian? or are you straight or Bi? What is it? Then she mentioned she is Bi. The question got to me. I took a deep breath and said I lost it to a girl, just like Liz, and omg it felt good. “you’re gay?” one of the straight guys in the room says. “Yeah, ever since birth ;)” I jokingly answer(what a bad, overused joke it was). So, liz is gay, and Amanda is Bi, what’s going to happen? Is everyone single? I need answers.

Liz was getting closer to me. We were sitting at the opposite side of the room to everyone else, on a small love seat. She was super confident in herself, and her motivations. She starts stroking the back of my head, and tickling my neck, like the best, most sensual massage you’ve ever had. I was getting tingles, and my sea bed was growing…okay gross, i know, but it’s true.

By now, Amanda’s HUSBAND walks in. Wow, this is a turn of events. Did Amanda invite Liz over because she knew I was gay? This was a set up! Clever girl she is, she knew I was going to try and get with her married ass, so she invited her even-better looking, successful lesbian friend. I’m totally digging it.

“So, Liz, what do you do for a living?” She replies, I’m in my last year of Law school.” “Oh, wow. Smart and good-looking” I say. By the end of the night people asked me how old I was, i said i just turned 20, while all of them were 26,27. The whole time they thought  I was 26 for sure. Which I 100% took as a compliment, i mean come on! This means i act mature for my age, and seem well put together I could argue? I’m sticking with that being what it meant…

“Well i’m going to head home i guess”, says Liz. “Laura, want me to walk you back to your place?” I was like “Sure, that would be nice” no one knew that my AirB&B was a 30 min drive away and that’s not where we were walking to. We were going to Liz’s place, a 5 minute walk away.

Liz’s place was even larger than Amanda’s. She had flat screens in every room, and having that much space in Toronto is not normal. She invites me in, to my surprise honestly. And we sit down and watch a movie…for 20 minutes. That’s all i could handle of her sensual touches, and neck massages she was giving. I made the first move, and we went to her California king bed in the next room. It was like a hardcore sex scene you want to see in every lesbian film, but never do. We had so much chemistry. I was slightly submissive, and she dominant, older and in charge.

I’ll tell you I almost missed my flight the next day after trying to get back to my AirB&B in time in the morning. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, It was like the opening scene of Yes Man, when Jim Carrey was skipping down the street being enthusiastically happy. I lost my virg-in-it-y. I’m not a virrr-gin. Hey hey haaa-y hey. I chanted.

Sometimes, if you want something to happen and your life to be interesting, go to an event that caters to your kind of people. Take a chance and talk to people in charge of the event, like a speaker at a film festival. You may live out a magical fantasy in a magical suite with a magical woman.

Thanks to Amanda, and Liz for making my lesbian fantasies come true, and for making my ‘losing-virginity story’ KICK ASS.

xxoo coffeequeens, hope you enjoy this post, and it inspires you to GET OUT THERE, and make stuff happen. Your dreams are just a confident, “Hi, I’m Laura” away.

 

 

You aren’t “not smart”, you just aren’t eating enough fats.

Everyone who has a working brain can be potentially smart. It just depends on what your parents fed you as a baby, and how much of that diet was healthy fats, like butter, fish, eggs, cheese and more butter.

You see, i considered myself a lost cause, a dumb person, if you will. Because i didn’t know how to concentrate, and therefor wasn’t motivated to learn anything. Anyone who isn’t learning and motivated to concentrate on learning is going to turn out to be less education, and therefor seemingly “stupid” towards other people.

Get motivated!!!

Right now, if this is you, if what i’m explaining is how you’ve been feeling either lately, or for your whole life, i promise you, you are not dumb, you just NEED MORE FAT.

I’ve lost weight…with no exercise… i know right? what a great concept.

Start yourself, TODAY, on a ketogenic diet. Do you have ADD? Start a keto diet. Do your have tremors? Start a keto diet. Does someone you know, or yourself have Autism? Seizures? Start a keto diet. Research, buy the stuff, and start eating fat. It will change your life. You will discover that you aren’t much different than your peers like you thought before. Just do it, please, and get back to me with your positive results a month from now.

Here’s a start: a brownie in a mug!

  • 1 Large Egg.
  • 2 Tbsp. Salted Butter. (Just get that butter in you!!)
  • 2 Tbsp. Almond Flour. (optional honestly)
  • 2 Tbsp. Unsweetened Cocoa Powder. (just makes the butter taste less like butter)
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp. Erythritol or Splenda. (same as the cocoa powder)
  • 2 tsp. Coconut Flour. (better consistency, i guess)
  • 1/4 tsp. Vanilla Extract. (taste, taste, taste)
  • 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder. (unnecessary if you have the egg) (will make it rise higher)

Try it for breakfast, lunch or dinner right now, and let me know if you have any hunger cravings tonight. Let me know how you sleep that night. Let me know how you feel the next morning.

 

AND, when you feel better and have more energy, search Ketogenic diet. And start your new life, boo 😉

xxoo, coffequeens. Thanks for reading my rant. I’m hoping you feel my rage throughout this post, and realize how serious i am about the benefits of this diet. Okay, chow 🙂