Another disastrous dating story…but this time i need your help.

Hey all you lovely humans that are extensions of my own brain…how are you doing this fine day? Well, me, not so good. I think i slipped and fell in love again…and instead of the person just not reciprocating, THIS TIME, we are unsure if she likes me back. This is where you come in to help me decide. Here we go with the embarrassing story again…

POF-Logo-300x291.pngShe messages me, after complimenting my dating profile, and we exchange photos on this app…Plenty of Fish, Have you heard of it? What a wonder it is. Okay, mental checklist, gotta see if this girl is 1) REAL, 2) Into me enough to have a relationship 3) I am into her enough to have a relationship.

She likes my pictures, she Is super pretty, and girly, and loves makeup and dressing in white and pink, the type of feminine i’m into. I look her up on Facebook, she’s real, and not that popularity matters that much, but damn that girl knows how to get hundreds of likes on a selfie.

We make plans! expect, *interesting*, instead of making me drive to her better-than-mine city (3 hrs away) like i was going to, she insists she will visit me, saying i’m worth the bridge toll and gas money. And this is to see me a week earlier than planned. Okay, going well so far right? 🙂

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WRONG. That day we scheduled for her to come, she told me which room she booked and which hotel i should meet her at. She let me know half way through the drive how far away she was. Like this was happening, no doubt in my mind.

 

Then, after she asks me “you staying the night? Will you bring drinks? Can’t wait to see you” I reply “Yes, i’ll stay the night. I’m so horny for you”…along with a sexual picture…ya know, foreplay.

It was 4:00pm that day, i’m supposed to meet her at 6:00 for drinks. And all of a sudden, my next message stays “unread” for 60 minutes…5:00 o’clock, i message again, still “unread”…god. Please don’t tell me. What is happening. No. Not me. Not now. Not Christmas.

cfd7b4ad8b70affde0ec686c2257a14f--stockings-heels-black-stockingsIs she ditching? I ask myself with my curly lustrous hair laying over my new white, flowy sweater which fits me loose like a dress, black high heals…yes also new (i hate myself too), and bronzer snatching my cheek bones, like damn i was READY!!

7:00 oclock…8:00 o’clock…9:00 oclock. Man i just spent the whole day by myself waiting for replys from this girl on Christmas Eve Eve, I could have been out with friends, but no my stupid ass is getting played.

11:00 oclock, enough is enough…i warm up my fingers and reply with a sly comment, not too insult, because i still would get with her any day of the year, but just to let her know how shitty she made my day “Why did you make me think you were coming to *my city* for me? I bought wine for you, offered to pay the bridge tole, i was nice to you. I gave you my time on Christmas. How can you do that to someone and think it’s fine, it doesn’t make sense to me”. SEND. 1:30am and im thinking this girl is some creepy man behind a computer screen that just had some fun with my sexy selfie and screwing my Christmas over.

THE NEXT DAY.

The girl says, verbatim “I’m so sorry i just got my phone back I was in an accident last night and went off the road. I will send pictures to prove.”. Though short, it did make sense. The roads were hella slippery that night, my sister saw an accident downtown (where this girl was staying supposedly).

Key notes: she snapped me on snapchat a picture of her self currently so she can’t be a fake man behind a screen.

She never sent me photos of the accident, but it has only been a few days. she may still be embarrassed that she drove all the way here and got into an accident. And may be recovering.

I really hope that she got into an accident because I want to meet up with her again and I can’t handle this being a rejection, and even though it seems as though, i believe it’s not. There were too many signs that she was into me, and that she was real, and by the sexual selfies she sent, that she wanted to go Bumper-to-Bumper with me. I haven’t had sex in months, and am alone for Christmas. This is the only thing I was looking forward to over the holidays.

Told you. Embarrassing, sad story that you probably got a kick out of. But these are my real feelings so be gentle with them. Give me your honest opinion, and also ask questions if i didn’t make myself clear at any point.

God bless you. Thanks for being loyal…unlike someone.

sincerely, coffeequeen.

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Can we be honest?

Who would pay me for juicy lesbian stories? What if i quite my job and pursued woman and blogging 24/7 with a lively ambition behind it, and the stories were to die for. What if i made a self-help book for tragically desperate lesbians? Would you guys/girls read it? Let me know. I may take the leap…

I lost my Lesbian virginity to a Lawyer

Yes, this will be a juicy story. May the record reflect…

How do you meet a sexy single lesbian lawyer you ask? Well, for one, you have to have impeccable looks…lol, not. This was a weekend where I was running out of clean clothes from my two week-long Toronto summer trip, and the clothes I did have were cardigans, flats, dress pants… I think I looked like a 26 year old prude who only gets off on her expensive wardrobe. ANYWAYS, It all started at an all-women film festival. Very lesbian right? I had not had a break finding a true lesbian up until this point, and it being my last night in Toronto, i was willing to attend a film festival without knowing a single thing about making films. When I walked into a room full of 100 women and 4 men, there was a cute speaker at the front telling witty jokes to the audience. “Made by Kelsey Sanderson” the first film title said – reminding everyone that it was not a man but a WOMAN who wrote, directed and starred in the film. It was lesbian themed with soft voices, kissing scenes, sensual touching. If there were women in this room that were closeted, i’m sure their cheeks were flushed and they had quite the wet poon.

Okay, so no, there was no Lesbian lawyer at this film festival, and i’m sorry, i don’t think you will ever find one close to an arts event. (They don’t have time).

From the lack of seating in the room, I was standing, in my beige cardigan and dirty blonde hair, under a spot light at the back of the theatre. I was making eye contact with the girl with the microphone standing at the front the whole time. It was like she was eager to ask me a question or recognized my face somewhere. I felt some chemistry between us, so after the film I walked my touche up to the front of the room and started a conversation with this girl leading the event. I don’t know where i got the balls (or lady parts) to be honest. I completely interrupted her conversation with her friends, and introduced myself and told my story. University student, alone in the city, nothing to do on my last night there, basically begging strangers to invite me to hangout with them.

The girl leading the event, I soon find out named Amanda, was saying she was looking and smiling at me the whole time because she thought I was the main actor in the film we just watched. The girl she was such a huge fan of. “You look exactly like her!” she said to my surprise. I was shocked, and flattered. What a nice compliment, the girl in the movie was tall and had symmetrical features. Me, however, am just tall enough to ride roller coasters, and have had trouble shaping my eye brows my whole life. (Sisters, not twins)

Amanda had short, silky black hair, shaping her pretty face. Very good fashion sense as well. We stepped out of the theatre and after talking for a bit, i asked if she knew of anything going on that night, as it was my last night I wanted to leave Toronto with a BANG, before I go back to my deadbeat town on the east coast of Canada…yuck. “Do you guys know of any parties?” Amanda replies “Hey, I’m having a get together at my place tonight, Here’s my number ********”

I have this girls number, she is so cool, so confident, super sexy, super my type. “I’ll be there at 7!” I said. Reflecting back on this act of bravery of mine, i realized how well it went over, and how bad it could have gone. Wow. Thank god for my irrational thinking, and spout of confidence back there. Otherwise I would have bought some ice-cream and been a lonely Mcgee in my AirB&B. Lol, it rhymes.

That afternoon I drank a venti coffee from Starbucks, changed my cardigan to a more outgoing, laid-back cardigan (lol), and tried to act all cool when I sent my first text to Amanda. I soon find out, to my surprise, that Amanda works for an animation group in Toronto for a Y-TV kids show. In other words, she’s famous and makes BANK.

My whole life i’ve always let girls I like slip through my fingers without having the slightest notion that I am gay, and very into them. In Amanda’s case, i was ’10/10,  get the UHaul, I’m moving in with you’ into her. How can I make my intentions clear, come on Laura, think. I text Amanda “I just broke up with my girlfriend three days ago so this trip isn’t going the greatest so far, but i’m excited for tonight” There. She knows i’m gay, and hopefully knows that i’m tragically into her. She replies, “come to my place tonight at 7, i’m having people over!”. Gives me her address, tells me a time. I’m in, I am so in. Did this turn into the best day of my faqin life?

I headed on the bus to Amanda’s place. Apartment complex 50, at the top of the hill in High Park…This place had waterfalls and statues in the front courtyard. The doors open to marble floors and a front desk agent. DAMN. I’ve never experienced so much luxury. This girl is the real deal.

I head up to apartment 25, knock on the door, Amanda answers in a red top, and that lovely, welcoming, straight-tooth smile of hers. “You made it! Hey guys this is my friend Laura! She’s and Engineer” I walk in to this spacious, yellow-marble floor and modern steel kitchen. She was making martini’s for everyone.

Amanda sits down beside me, we are laughing, and looking at the characters she had created for the TV show. And next something disappointing, and amazing happens.

In walks a tall, slim girl, very talkative, and energetic, with her boobs almost hanging out of her dress, which no one was mad about. “AMANDA, HI!” She enthusiastically reaches for  Amanda and gives her a huge hug. This is Amanda’s animation friend? Oh, they must have history. If Amanda’s gay she would be going nuts over this girl that just walked in. And she was, she was blushing like Lacey from The L Word when she first saw Shane. I was so confused, I hope they aren’t in a relationship and i’m just going to awkwardly be flirting with Amanda all night. But no, it was way better, way more juicy then what I imagined was happening at that moment.

Amanda introduces me to this stunning, elegant, tasteful woman, who knows how to show off her goods. “Laura, this is Liz” I say hi and we talk for the next few minutes. She compliments my outfit, and changes seats with Amanda. By this point I could tell Liz’s focus was on me, and not Amanda. Girl, you better not be Amanda’s girlfriend because this is too much for me to take.

We all go around in a circle playing Truth or Dare. Okay, everyone has to describe when you lost your virginity! Liz says it was to this girl at law school on the east coast. Okay, check, Lis is gay, In Law school, and from the east coast, we are similar, talking points talking points. Amanda goes next, surprisingly saying, well it was with this guy from junior high. Did you turn lesbian? or are you straight or Bi? What is it? Then she mentioned she is Bi. The question got to me. I took a deep breath and said I lost it to a girl, just like Liz, and omg it felt good. “you’re gay?” one of the straight guys in the room says. “Yeah, ever since birth ;)” I jokingly answer(what a bad, overused joke it was). So, liz is gay, and Amanda is Bi, what’s going to happen? Is everyone single? I need answers.

Liz was getting closer to me. We were sitting at the opposite side of the room to everyone else, on a small love seat. She was super confident in herself, and her motivations. She starts stroking the back of my head, and tickling my neck, like the best, most sensual massage you’ve ever had. I was getting tingles, and my sea bed was growing…okay gross, i know, but it’s true.

By now, Amanda’s HUSBAND walks in. Wow, this is a turn of events. Did Amanda invite Liz over because she knew I was gay? This was a set up! Clever girl she is, she knew I was going to try and get with her married ass, so she invited her even-better looking, successful lesbian friend. I’m totally digging it.

“So, Liz, what do you do for a living?” She replies, I’m in my last year of Law school.” “Oh, wow. Smart and good-looking” I say. By the end of the night people asked me how old I was, i said i just turned 20, while all of them were 26,27. The whole time they thought  I was 26 for sure. Which I 100% took as a compliment, i mean come on! This means i act mature for my age, and seem well put together I could argue? I’m sticking with that being what it meant…

“Well i’m going to head home i guess”, says Liz. “Laura, want me to walk you back to your place?” I was like “Sure, that would be nice” no one knew that my AirB&B was a 30 min drive away and that’s not where we were walking to. We were going to Liz’s place, a 5 minute walk away.

Liz’s place was even larger than Amanda’s. She had flat screens in every room, and having that much space in Toronto is not normal. She invites me in, to my surprise honestly. And we sit down and watch a movie…for 20 minutes. That’s all i could handle of her sensual touches, and neck massages she was giving. I made the first move, and we went to her California king bed in the next room. It was like a hardcore sex scene you want to see in every lesbian film, but never do. We had so much chemistry. I was slightly submissive, and she dominant, older and in charge.

I’ll tell you I almost missed my flight the next day after trying to get back to my AirB&B in time in the morning. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, It was like the opening scene of Yes Man, when Jim Carrey was skipping down the street being enthusiastically happy. I lost my virg-in-it-y. I’m not a virrr-gin. Hey hey haaa-y hey. I chanted.

Sometimes, if you want something to happen and your life to be interesting, go to an event that caters to your kind of people. Take a chance and talk to people in charge of the event, like a speaker at a film festival. You may live out a magical fantasy in a magical suite with a magical woman.

Thanks to Amanda, and Liz for making my lesbian fantasies come true, and for making my ‘losing-virginity story’ KICK ASS.

xxoo coffeequeens, hope you enjoy this post, and it inspires you to GET OUT THERE, and make stuff happen. Your dreams are just a confident, “Hi, I’m Laura” away.

 

 

You aren’t “not smart”, you just aren’t eating enough fats.

Everyone who has a working brain can be potentially smart. It just depends on what your parents fed you as a baby, and how much of that diet was healthy fats, like butter, fish, eggs, cheese and more butter.

You see, i considered myself a lost cause, a dumb person, if you will. Because i didn’t know how to concentrate, and therefor wasn’t motivated to learn anything. Anyone who isn’t learning and motivated to concentrate on learning is going to turn out to be less education, and therefor seemingly “stupid” towards other people.

Get motivated!!!

Right now, if this is you, if what i’m explaining is how you’ve been feeling either lately, or for your whole life, i promise you, you are not dumb, you just NEED MORE FAT.

I’ve lost weight…with no exercise… i know right? what a great concept.

Start yourself, TODAY, on a ketogenic diet. Do you have ADD? Start a keto diet. Do your have tremors? Start a keto diet. Does someone you know, or yourself have Autism? Seizures? Start a keto diet. Research, buy the stuff, and start eating fat. It will change your life. You will discover that you aren’t much different than your peers like you thought before. Just do it, please, and get back to me with your positive results a month from now.

Here’s a start: a brownie in a mug!

  • 1 Large Egg.
  • 2 Tbsp. Salted Butter. (Just get that butter in you!!)
  • 2 Tbsp. Almond Flour. (optional honestly)
  • 2 Tbsp. Unsweetened Cocoa Powder. (just makes the butter taste less like butter)
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp. Erythritol or Splenda. (same as the cocoa powder)
  • 2 tsp. Coconut Flour. (better consistency, i guess)
  • 1/4 tsp. Vanilla Extract. (taste, taste, taste)
  • 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder. (unnecessary if you have the egg) (will make it rise higher)

Try it for breakfast, lunch or dinner right now, and let me know if you have any hunger cravings tonight. Let me know how you sleep that night. Let me know how you feel the next morning.

 

AND, when you feel better and have more energy, search Ketogenic diet. And start your new life, boo 😉

xxoo, coffequeens. Thanks for reading my rant. I’m hoping you feel my rage throughout this post, and realize how serious i am about the benefits of this diet. Okay, chow 🙂

Katie

It’s happening again. That tight feeling in my chest, that clenching of my teeth, the loss of my pride. Reaching out to Katie is the hardest thing to do. Everything i say is on blast in my head, “oh, why did you spell that wrong and say that word, you idiot!”. When she replies two minutes after my “awkward” message “Laura, i’m doing well, How are you??!?” I couldn’t help but think she missed me? I mean, look at all those exclamation and question marks.

Maybe I need to swallow my pride more often.

You ever have the feeling or recognition that someone in the relationship always likes the other more than the other likes them? If this is true, that means my blind lovey-dovey eyes are set on Katie, when she’s only somewhat set on me. This is why i don’t reach out often. This is why i doubt myself. Because 9 times out of 10 the person that falls madly in love with another, is in love with that other because they admire something about them they don’t have. But is there anything i have that katie doesn’t already have or do better? I highly doubt it. Her dad is an electrical engineer (in engn talk, the smartest of the smarts), and her mom a humanitarian. They live in a large winter home, and travel to Florida seaview to stay in their summer home. They take family portraits. Katie is a dance teacher, and her body is perfect. She was in a special kids program in grade 12, called SHAD, where exceptionally intelligent, and top high school students get into. She is exceptional. What do I offer? My lousy 80s marks, my old cross country and soccer carrier, and my running of a university chapter (which she already accomplished herself). This is where I am defeated.

Should i even bother talking to her, even if she acts like she enjoys it? Or am i risking hurting myself even further. I think about this girl almost everyday. It’s not healthy.

But, in a strange way, heart break is motivating. I’ve gotten fitter, lost 20 pounds, and am not settling for someone who doesn’t make me feel the way Katie does. I have my new standard, and am working on myself to reach the quality of person Katie is. My life is only getting better. And i give all credit to, Katie, my motivation.

Has this turned into a positive story?

xxoo coffee-shop queens

My crush came out to me as Lesbian

I was in love. It was the most memorable day of my young life. A girl, intelligent as can be, as soft on her feet as possible, as light-hearted and angelically graceful as you can imagine, was directly in front of me. Something like Emma Stone mixed with Kate Middleton.

She had the kind of social skills, and intelligent facial expressions you’d expect on a comedian or actress of many years.

There she was, sitting in the corner of a session about diversity training (or spectrums of sexuality and gender) at our international development conference on University of Toronto campus. She was sitting in the corner, beside no one in particular, in the corner of a semi circle of about 100 people. There was a spot next to her as i walked closer, So i took it…Here’s where it gets interesting…

The speaker mentioned GAY couples, and the struggles GAY people face when GAY people scrummage through the world. It was like that word hit me in the chest every time it was said. That word describes me, but no one in this room knows this, especially not this girl beside me. I was sitting perfectly still, like a statue. I was scared if i flinched this girl i have a crush on would know i’m gay, and i’m into her, and that’s why i sat beside her. But, strangely, she behaved the same way. Didn’t turn her head to greet me, didn’t relax back in her chair like normal listeners do, didn’t break to look in another direction, she was a statue. I couldn’t help but wonder…do i make her feel uncomfortable? Is she thinking the same as me?

Fast forward to that night. 10 members of our organization are all walking back to our residence and fetching alcohol from the liquor store. I was unintentionally sticking by this pretty girls side (lets call her Katie), the whole 10 km walk. All of a sudden, the group was breaking up, some going to the boys dorm, others going to find their friends, and I and Katie ended up going in the same direction, speed walking side-by-side. “We have to rush, the liquor store closes at 10pm and it’s 9:40” Katie says. I agree (I would love some alcohol right about now hanging out with you). Before long, it’s just the two of us on our speed walk to the liquor store. I was telling jokes being my normal, witty self. And we were both mentioning how we got into Engineering, and how we were the same Age, and what we planned on doing after school. We were both presidents of a university chapter. We were so similar in so many ways, the conversation was easy.

SHE’S LEANING ON MY SHOULDER! We are sitting on the ground and she is leaning on my shoulder!

We are back in the dorm common area with 10 other reps from all over Canada. I crack open my chardonnay, and Katie opens her white win. “I love white win” she says, downing half the bottle. The only one she’s been talking to all night is ME. Making wonderful eye contact you would of someone you lust. Listening intently to my wanna-be funny stories.

What does this mean? Is she gay? I have to find out.

We go to our separate rooms as she says she’s feeling sick, but was actually calling home and talking to someone for hours.

The next day, the last day of conference, we make plans to hang out. Walking down the street for breakfast, she mentions mid conversation, “So back home me and my girl friend are going to get matching tattoos. What do you suggest we get?”. There, she said it. The words finally came out. But it was not what i wanted. I was FALLING for this girl. She was smart, funny, fit, and organized. The person i strive to me more like. And all of a sudden my world comes crashing down, from one word…”girlfriend”. All of a sudden i found myself hating someone i’ve never met before.

She cannot be better than me, i think to myself. How have you been flirting with me over wine last night, and walking practically stuck to my hip all day? That’s not how a taken person acts.

I respond to her question: “Oh, maybe get each others birthdate on the side of your hip” “That’s what me and my girlfriend were thinking of doing”. Whoa. There it is, the first person i came out to at conference, and the only other person who knows i’m gay.

She was so surprised to hear that from me, she say “Oh, you’re gay too?” and i was like “Yeah, i’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now” even though i’d never had a girlfriend in my life…i was just so hurt after hearing, IN THE SAME SENTENCE, that Katie is gay AND taken.

Girlfriend… A.K.A the worst word in the english dictionary.

After that moment I was suuper awkward towards her for the rest of the trip. Dressing up really fancy to get her attention, meanwhile she says “I plan on being with *insert girlfriends name here* for the rest of my life”. Those words stuck with me. Those words killed me. You mean to tell me you are an 18 year-old student engineer, not even in the work force yet, and you know you will marry and be with your girlfriend for the rest of your life?

It was the sadest goodbye in all of fairytale goodbyes…I was dressed in a pink dress with blonde wavy curls in my hair…dressed to the nines for this girl i will never have a chance with, when she calls her taxi (early) to come pick her up because her “depressed” girlfriend calls wanting her home asap, she wasn’t “feeling well”.

The taxi pulls up to residence, she gives me a big , lingering hug, and i help her with her bags in the back seat. “It was nice spending time with you, i hope we keep in touch!” she says with a sad concerned face, while i swell up with tears. “I’ll add you on facebook!” I said. Then she was gone…and all i could do was scrunch up my face, find a out-of-tune piano in the residence and play it to the saddest song i know. Welping in my head. Holding in the emotions. This trip i got to experience what loves feels like, and what loss feels like, both for the very first time.

Cheers to awkward, saddening experiences of a depressed lesbian who never gets her way, even if a rare instance arrises where the girl she likes is actually gay.

xxoo coffeequeens.

 

Aren’t lesbian dating cites the real coffee?

20 years old and on three dating cites. How can this be so? Why haven’t I found someone in person to chat it up with? Well, because i am a nervous wreck.

Ever see that cute girl at starbucks that you know might be gay, but you’d never in a million years make a move because you think of what could happen if she’s not gay? Like think about it, she’s probably surrounded by successful, hardworking starbucks goers with the biggests ears, ready to glare you down as soon as you make a gay remark, a hit on, or a move on that pretty girl. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the straight guys…they crowd around this beautiful angel like vultures ready to swoop in the minute she drops her pen, or spills her coffee. They have all the confidence in the world to ask this girl out, and have done it so many times before…but me? My self-esteem can be squashed by a bug, and I have a history of letting girls who I like slip through my fingers without even the slightest hint that i’m into them.

Of course, this might all be in my head. Starbucks did put lesbian cartoon characters on their cups this year Laura…It is 2017. What’s the big deal? So you find out she’s not lesbian, maybe there’s a girl waiting near by that witnessed your act of courage and is flaunting towards you as you gather your stuff to go. Maybe, if you make this proposal a big deal by breaking out into song and dance (like you’re so good at…) all of starbucks will stand up and give you a round of applause. You’ll be put on youtube. Your cute face will go viral, all these girls will want to date you, and it’s all because you made that first move on a girl at starbucks…fulfilling young lesbians’ fantasies all over the world.

Ah, yes. That’s me. Lesbian goddess, the one and only, misses coffee-shop queen.